Thursday, December 22, 2011

One Year at a Time...

When we were trying for Reagan and we were just going through testing to figure out what was wrong, I was told by a 50 yr old mother that "It's not hard to get pregnant." And you gotta love that it was said in that 'You're so stupid' tone.  That lady can kiss my ass, its not easy.  Not for me at least. I have to fight so damn hard for it.  Put my body, my emotions, my mind, my heart through so much more than most.

This sums up my feelings lately:

Since I started trying to conceive..

1.06 Years or 375 Days or 9,000 Hours or 540,000 Minutes or 32,400,000 Seconds have passed
10 Friends have had a total of 12 Babies
10 Friends are pregnant
7 Rounds of Clomid have failed
65 Clomid pills have been swallowed
230 Metformin pills have been ingested
1 Basal Body Thermometer has been purchased
110 Ovulation Predictor Tests have been used
20 Pregnancy Tests have come back Negative
3 Ultrasounds have been done
15 Vials of Blood have been tested
And too many tears, prayers, questions, set backs, and heartbreaks to count.

I know that God doesn't give us more than we can bear, but I still wonder how much more I can handle. And when does it get to be my turn?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

There Are No Words...

So... Round #5 was another bust.  I was on 100 mg Clomid, cd 6-10 and once again, did not ovulate.  Dr decided that for Round #6, I would be switched to 150 mg Clomid, cd 3-7.  Well, on cd 14, I got a + OPK and I was surprised and excited.  I was excited because I was finally ovulating again!  And surprised because all other rounds where ovulation occurred, I didn't ovulate until cd 21.  I just figured switching the days I took the Clomid caused me to ovulate sooner.  7 days after my + OPK (Monday), I went in for my progesterone blood draw.  Throughout that entire day, I was having menstrual like cramps.  The entire day I was getting more and more optimistic because the only pregnancy symptom I had with Reagan was cramps.  Then yesterday, I woke up not feeling any cramps.  As the day went on, and not a cramp in sight, I started to get discouraged that maybe I wasn't pregnant.  Well, this morning, the Dr's office called me and told me that my blood results came back and showed that I had ovulated.  I was completely shocked!  I'd heard that people with PCOS can have several LH surges (which is what the OPKs test) but still not ovulate, but I thought that taking Clomid would solve that problem.  Apparently not! 

Now, I have no idea what's going to happen next.  Studies have shown that the chances of getting pregnant after the 6th cycle of Clomid go down significantly.  And since I haven't responded to it in 4 cycles, there is really no point in continuing to try it.  I've left a message with the Dr, but will most likely need to be referred to a fertility specialist.  Problem is, that crap is EXPENSIVE!!!  We'll have a consult no matter what, but most likely, we will not be able to journey down that road.  But going it au naturale is probably not going to work for us.  When trying for Reagan, I went without ovulating for an entire year.  No ovulation = No eggo to get preggo.

There are no words for the emotional ups and downs of trying to conceive.  One minute you think, "This is the month!" and the next, all hopes are shot down the drain and you're left thinking "WTF?"  I've had enough tears in the past 8 months to last a lifetime and this has just been an incredibly crappy year (just ask Ted) and I would love to have this journey to end in joy... and the sooner, the better!  My patience has about run out.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Here We Go Again

With Round #4, my Dr decided to check my insulin levels.  Women with PCOS have imbalanced insulin and blood sugar levels.  Alot of times, they respond well to Metformin.  So, my Dr decided to put me on to 1500 mg of Metformin every day.  I wasn't a big fan of this, mainly because I had been on Metformin for 9 months before Reagan and it didn't do diddly.  But, I was willing to give it a chance.  So, I started the stair climb to get up to 1500 mg.  500 mg the first week, 1000 mg the second, 1500 mg the third.  By doing this, the side effects aren't as noticeable.  I was pretty good at taking the pills, but having to take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and another at dinner was hard for me.  I don't normally take pills, so I forgot quite a bit.

I followed the plan for my 100 mg Clomid, days 6-10.  Started my OPK testing on day 14, a little later than the Dr recommends, but since I don't ovulate until around day 20, I figured I was fine.  So, imagine my surprise when I never receive a + OPK.  I called my Dr, but they weren't helpful.  They really just brushed it off thinking that I just missed my LH surge.  I was sure that adding the Metformin into the mix stopped me from ovulating.. regardless of what the Dr said.  I stopped the Metformin that day.. I was that sure.  It never helped me when we were trying for Reagan, so I figured that was my problem.

Since my period never did arrive when it was scheduled and the pregnancy test was negative, I had to call the Dr to get a prescription for Provera.  A drug that will start your period.  Once my period started, I was going to be able to start on Round #5.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Strike Three

For Round #3, my Dr put me on 100 mg of Clomid, cycle days 5-9.  With the higher dose, the Dr was hoping for a more mature egg and better Progesterone level.  When I went in to have my progesterone level checked, the higher dose definitely worked, I had levels in the mid 20s! 

I have always expected my period within 15 days after my +OPK.  This cycle I tried really hard to wait until then to test.  I had a Dr's appointment anyway, so I figured I might as well save the money and let them test if my period hadn't arrived.  The day of my appointment, my period still hadn't arrived, so I SO was excited to go to my appointment, figuring 'This is it!'  Dr's office tested and it was negative.  My Dr just asked me about when I got my +OPK and what my cycles had been running like.  She really didn't give me any explanation why my period was late, just that I wasn't pregnant.  Once I got home, I got on line searching for any clues as to what happened.  Maybe I wasn't far enough along and all the water I drank earlier in the day had diluted any HCG (pregnancy hormone) and cause a false negative. 

My period showed up a couple days later and I finally stumbled upon the fact that the higher Clomid dosage increases the time between the +OPK and your period.  Would have loved to have been told that before!  Hoping you're pregnant just to get your period when expected is nothing compared to having your period be late and just knowing that you were finally pregnant.  Its one of the worst let downs I've experienced up to this point.  Even the next day at work I just broke down into tears because all of this just break your heart.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Take Two!

While I was bummed that Round #1 didn't work, I was still optimistic... because when there are no problems and every hormone level, intercourse timing, and sperm are pefect, you still only have a 25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. I tossed around the idea of taking a few months off of taking Clomid, because I really didn't want a November or December baby... too many holidays!  I've always wanted a Spring or Summer baby... but Ted didn't want to take a break and I decided that I really can't afford to be picky when I have fertility problems. Round #2 it was!

I started Round #2 in mid February. Once again I was prescribed 50 mg Clomid, cycle day 6 - 10. But for Round #2, my Dr wanted to do a progesterone check at 7 days post ovulation. Just to check to see if the we had the correct dose of Clomid. Apparently a progesterone level above 5 means that ovulation occured, but they want the level to be up around 15 when on a medicated cycle. I'm not exactly sure what the numbers mean.. all I know is that progesterone is needed to thicken the uterine lining. Got to have that nice comfy place for Mr or Ms Eggy. =)  So, on day 28 I went and had my blood drawn. I waited 3 days for my results... it was a 14.6. So I definitely ovulated, but the number wasn't as high as the Dr would like it.  I was informed that it was still possible to get pregnant with this progesterone level, but not likely.  I still had to wait another week until my period started or a positive pregnancy test. 

Since the evil bitch showed up instead of a positive pregnancy test, my Dr decided that for Round #3 she would up my dose to 100 mg of Clomid.

When I took Clomid for Reagan, I don't remember any side effects.  This time however... holy cow.  The hot flashes are the worst!  I feel like I'm menopausal, not trying to get pregnant!  I tried taking the pills in the evening because some people have less side effects, but not even that helped.  I have hot flashes for weeks.. then i'm starting the next round.  Its never ending!  Then, to top the hot flashes, is the ovulation pain.  I can definitely tell that I'm ovulating because it hurts to walk, sneeze, cough, and sometimes even breathe.  It lasts about a day and a half and then I'm fine.  But no matter what side effects I have to endure, its completely worth it and I'll continue on until I'm holding my newborn.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

And the Journey Begins...

We're traveling back into time... January 2011.

Neither Ted nor I wanted children far apart, ideally, they'd be 18 months to 2 years apart.  However, finances just didn't allow us to even think of baby #2 until the end of 2010.  So I convinced Ted to start trying for baby #2 in January 2011.  I was hoping that baby #2 wouldn't be too far away from Reagan's 3rd birthday.

Just due to laziness and just being tired of taking birth control everyday, I stopped taking it in December 2010.  Amazingly enough, I had a regular cycle, 28 days.  I thought that was a good sign, maybe my body was starting to right itself...  I've heard of pregnancy doing that.  I called up my Dr and got my Clomid prescription.  I started off with 50mg of Clomid, cycle days 6 - 10.  I met up with my Dr to discuss what type of monitoring, if any, we would be doing.  We decided that the first round at least we'd do nothing... just take the pills and do Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs) from day 12 until a positive OPK.  We figured, it only took 2 rounds of Clomid with Reagan, so it wouldn't take too long.  I knew from Reagan that I ovulated about a week later than normal, so when I got my postive OPK on cycle day 20, I was excited.  The Clomid still works! 

After the positive OPK is when hell starts.  Two agonizing weeks worth of waiting.  There is no longer anything you can do other than hope and pray for implantation.  Two weeks worth of, 'What's that?'  'Was that a cramp?'  'Do my boobs hurt?'  Every twinge, gas bubble, or tickle sends you running online to search for early pregnancy symptoms.  You sit there and count the days and many times start taking home pregnancy tests (HPTs) as soon as 10 days post ovulation (dpo).  I remember one morning around 9 dpo, I woke up nausous, my gag reflex was there while brushing my teeth and everything.  I was soo sure that I was pregnant.. until I tested.  Negative.  I seriously hate pregnancy tests.. they dash every hope you have in about 3 minutes.  Then they taunt you, they make you think, maybe I just tested too early.. maybe it'll show Positive if I wait a couple days.  Then it laughs in your face when you see the Negative a few days later.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.. so I guess I'm right in saying that testing drives me insane! 

After way too many Negative HPTs, the evil bitch showed up.  Any plans I had of announcing a pregnancy at Reagan's 2nd birthday party went officially out the window.

I can definitely see the plus side in how the Duggars plan their families.. they don't.  They just go about their business, they don't monitor anything, no counting days, no nothing.  They just leave it up to God.  There is no stress involved... you're not trying to force anything, nor are you expecting anything.  I'm definitely going that route after baby #2.  Grant it, I know, with my luck, I'll be pregnant at my 6 week checkup.  But hey, I've always wanted 3 kids!

So, cycle #1 was a bust... onto cycle #2!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

About Me

This is my first blog post ever!  I have come over to the dark side... muahaha. 

I had tossed around the idea of a blog for quite some time, I've heard its a good way to vent and just ramble on about topics you can't talk to anyone else about.  So that's what I'm doing.. I really don't have any friends that are going through the same journey as me.  And those that I do have, I don't feel like burdening them all the time.. so cyber space, you get me! =P

So a little history about me...

I will be 27 in a couple weeks.  I have been married for almost 5 years and I have a 2 year old daughter.  My husband, Ted, and I have been trying to conceive our second child since January 2011. For most couples, they decide 'O, lets have a baby.'  So they get off of birth control and the next month.. BAM!  They're pregnant.  These people don't realize how lucky they are.  As for me, I have PCOS, polycystic ovary syndrome.  This means that my body doesn't produce the correct amounts of hormones to cause me to ovulate.  No ovulation means no way to get pregnant.  We discovered that I had PCOS when we decided to try for baby #1.  We went off birth control in May 2007.  Come August 2007, I still had not had a period, so I went to my doctor.  Had blood tests run, a couple ultrasounds done, and got the diagnoses.  My doctor put me on Metformin, a drug that is supposed to help with insulin levels.  This drug did nothing for me.  I was on it for 9 months and I never had a period!  I finally asked my doctor what else could be done and she prescribed Clomid.  Clomid is a drug that causes ovulation.  The first month on it, I finally had a period!  I didn't get pregnant, but I was hopeful because something finally caused me to ovulate!  The second month on it, I became pregnant with my daughter.  It took us 13 months from the time I went off birth control to the time I became pregnant.  But at least we found a drug that worked!  So once Reagan arrived, I went back on birth control and figured when it time for baby #2, we'd just hop back onto Clomid and in a couple rounds, I'd be pregnant.  That has definitely not been the case.

This blog will be my thoughts and feelings as I go through my journey for baby #2 and hopefully beyond.  It's a hard and bumpy road, that I'll take one day at a time...